I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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