You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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