SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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