Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
