Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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