Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
