i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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