I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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