who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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