You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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