I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
