There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
