my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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