I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
