I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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