Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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