96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
