I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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