Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
