I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
operation harelip BJ is a go
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
