Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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