i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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