is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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