I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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