omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what day is it and did you see me today?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
