i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
