I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
