I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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