I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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