he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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