im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
