i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
