I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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