dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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