I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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