Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize