My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
