I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
