nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
