Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
