I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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