6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
