fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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