1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
