Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
