I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
