Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
