Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize