so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
