I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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