I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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