Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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