he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
