he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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