Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm at about main and main street
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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