you would pick up someone in the library
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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