You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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