The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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