I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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