im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
