Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
