answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
