i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
